Successful dating techniques are usually not something you are just born knowing. It takes work to be able to pick up the woman of your dreams. So you carefully pay attention to what works and what doesn’t, tweaking your own style and technique until you find a method that works best for you. You see what other people do and mimic that which feels most natural. You get feedback from women – both solicited and unsolicited – about what you are doing right and wrong.
All of these learning techniques are helpful and essential to your success. However, if you are still experiencing difficulty with women, this guide will help you succeed in dating, overcome your shyness, and gain the lifestyle that you long for.
What makes a woman tick? You’ve probably asked yourself this a hundred times. The fact is that women and men are essentially the same, with a few exceptions. First, think about your non-romantic female relationships. Do you have female friends and acquaintances? What do you talk about? How do you interact? The women you are trying to date are probably fundamentally very similar to these women. For example, do you have a great friendship with a woman? What parts of that can you pull from to help you with meeting someone new? Men and women have many of the same desired outcomes from dating. Many are looking for someone who is fun and who they enjoy spending time with. They are looking for a friend that they can trust, and who will eventually fall in love with them. They are looking for a romantic partner. Women want the dream man that will take care of them emotionally, mentally, and physically. More than likely, you are looking for some variation of this too.
Women are just as nervous as you are about meeting someone new. They get the same anxiety and stress, and when you approach a woman, she is most likely feeling the same jitters and butterflies that you are. Keep that in mind to help quell your fears. Women, just like men, have varying opinions about what makes someone attractive physically and mentally. Also just like men, for some women looks are more important than others. And every woman thinks different men are attractive. For many women, appearance is not a major factor in dating a man. Many women find it is most important to be romantically involved with a good man who is good to her. Someone that can make her laugh, hold an interesting conversation, and make life more fun and interesting. With this in mind, you’ll
need to take a close look at yourself, complete the worksheets, and focus on your top attributes when trying to attract a woman. When you are around single women, you shouldn’t worry that you will be shot down if you approach them. Most women are reasonable and normal, and a simple friendly conversation will not end negatively. Women like positive, non-creepy attention from men, and many dress up to boost their self confidence in the dating arena. Women will tell you if they are not interested. You shouldn’t feel nervous about approaching an attractive woman and striking up a conversation. If she’s taken or not interested, she’ll simply say so. No harm is done. It’s best to develop the attitude that taking small risks will have a big payoff. If you don’t try you will never know. And what have you got to lose? After seeing these common-sense facts about women in print, it hopefully helps you realize that women are normal human beings that have many of the same stresses and excitement about meeting you as you do with them. Female behavior is typically predictable and communication helps to ensure that you are both on the same page. Women aren’t out to embarrass you. Once you realize that women are the same as you, you’ll be able to easily approach any woman in a relaxed manner just as casually as a chat with your buddy about the game.
Look at Yourself – Know Your Attributes
Before you get started, it’s a good idea to take an honest look at yourself. What are your best selling points? Focus on the positive. Are you funny? Do you have an analytical mind? Are you quick-witted? Use the Appendix I worksheet to put your key selling points down on paper. You will use this in other developmental activities so keep it handy and add to it regularly.
Are You Your Own Best Friend or Enemy?
What you say to yourself in the back of your head is actually vital to your dating success. You probably didn’t think that your internal dialogue mattered that much! Well, it does, and here’s why. When you are making decisions, thinking about what actions you would like to take, and thinking about dating, it’s very likely that little, self-defeating thoughts pop into your head. These thoughts are the little confidence destroyers that you have to take control over to be successful with women. If you let negative thoughts prevent you from saying, doing, and taking action, you are talking yourself out of forwarding momentum. You will never get anywhere if you don’t try.
When you are talking to a woman that you like for the first time, you probably are feeling nervous. Your subconscious will often shoot out thoughts that make you think twice about taking a risk.
When you are already in a vulnerable state, it’s easy to listen to these negative thoughts. They will create unnecessary doubt in your mind, so it’s important to be able to identify them to counteract them. Are you plagued with negative thoughts? Consider these common dating saboteurs:
“She’ll think I’m an idiot for even approaching her.”
“She probably always has guys talking to her.”
“I’ll get laughed at for even trying.”
“She’ll know she can do better than me.”
“This woman is out of my league.”
“She’s too good-looking to be interested in me.”
“She’ll think I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t stand a chance.”
“She can have anyone, why would she pick me?”
“Why bother? There’s no way she’d be interested in me.”
“Why do I think I stand a chance now?”
“Why would a woman as great as she is want to be with a man like me?”
“She’s too beautiful. I should try someone who’s less attractive, like me.”
“Why should I stick my neck out on the line when I’m only going to get
rejected? I’ll just go home and try again a different day.”
“I’m not prepared enough…I’ll buy a [training program, self-help guide,
dating course] and study harder before trying.”
Tell yourself to stop making excuses to avoid an uncomfortable situation, and step outside of your comfort zone. You’re working against yourself if you are creating constant excuses and roadblocks. The best recommendation is to just do it.
By having excuses and self-defeating internal dialogue running through your head as you are trying to meet a woman, you are hurting your chances for success. How do you counteract your negative thoughts and improve your self esteem and confidence? You will need to re-invent your internal thoughts so that they are positive and constructive.
Positive Reconstruction of Negative Self-Talk
How do you re-think what you are telling yourself? The following is a closer look at common statements, and what they really mean.
1. “She’s too attractive for me. She’s out of my league.”
It is up to her to decide if someone is a suitable mate. Don’t assume anything! Everyone has seen a stunning woman on the arm of an average man. That guy didn’t let his internal thoughts get in the way.
If you are saying this to yourself, you have a poor self-image about the way you look. If you listen to this type of talk, you will start to act unattractive. The woman you are trying to get a date with will sense that you think lowly of yourself. Try replacing this thought with a new, more positive view:
“She’s really good-looking. Almost as attractive as I am!”
Maybe this seems a little cocky, but it will help you feel the confidence you need to portray that you are a prize. Of course, you shouldn’t say it out loud, just tell it to yourself. This will help you put yourself on her level.
The confidence is attractive to some woman, and at the very least the confidence you exude will make her want you more. Be careful not to overdo it though, obnoxiously cocky behavior is a turn-off.
2. “I’m not good enough to date her.”
She should decide if you are good enough or not. Also, don’t forget the possibility that she may not be your type once you start talking with her. When you say something like this to yourself, you are saying that the woman is a better person than you are. When you tell yourself this, you start to believe it and act that way. She’ll pick up on it, and you certainly won’t have a chance to date her. Who wants to be with someone that thinks they aren’t
good enough? Think about changing the statement to:
“She has a lot of positive things going for her, but I think I can bring a lot to
the table, too.”
Of course this is a little cocky too, but you are positively noting her traits, and balancing it with your own. Women like to be with someone who is confident. Nobody is perfect, we all know that. By thinking you are in her league, your body language will exude the confidence you need to really be there.
3. “I’ll get laughed at for even trying.”
When you tell yourself this, you are saying that you are a loser, and you are assuming that the woman you are trying to talk to thinks so too. You are sending off the message through your body language and what you say.
When you have self-confidence, it will change the way others think about you, both men and women. You’ll probably be surprised to find that when you are confident in yourself, others don’t doubt you as easily. And so what if other guys poke a little fun? It’s common for guy friends to find a little vulnerability and exploit it. Just let it roll off your shoulders. Reword this thought as:
“These guys will be really envious when I go out with this attractive woman.”
4. “What would a woman like that want with a guy like me?”
If you don’t think you are fun, interesting, and worth spending time with, then why should she? Every relationship impacts lives. When you date a woman, you will give her companionship, and give her someone that she enjoys spending time with. Tell yourself this instead:
“She seems like fun. I’m sure she’ll enjoy what I have to offer her.”
This different spin on your negative thought will improve your confidence because you are acknowledging your finer qualities as well as hers. Ultimately, you are hoping for a complementing personality to your own. Unless you talk to her, you will never know!
When looking at yourself, and listening to your internal thoughts, consider lightening up a little bit. Men are often very hard on themselves. It’s important to understand that thinking this way is self-defeating, and a sure way to line yourself up for failure, simply because you talk yourself out of being successful. If you think of self-confidence, you will act self-confident, which is attractive to women. Confidence will make you feel more comfortable about approaching a woman and will benefit your dating life significantly. In the next part, we will cover building your self-confidence and how to use it to your advantage.